Enjoy a selection of the finest and most hilarious quotes from Peter Kay’s Phoenix Nights. Is your favourite missing? Contact us and we’ll add it.

Max: “Hey. Le Beer. Le Dickhead. Watch it son.”

Jerry St Clair: “We’re not having that.”

Brian Potter: “You’re damn right Jerry, we’re not having that go on take it back.”

Dodgy Eric: “But Brian.”

Brian Potter: “It’s a family fun day man, there’s kiddies running around. They can’t go jumping up and down on a love length.”

Brian Potter: “Right you lot out. Before I knock you out. Sling it go on, you aren’t welcome. All of you leave.”

Stu: “I’m not going till I get a refund.”

Brian Potter: “Did you here that Kenny? You best make him a bed up.”

Stu: “I want my money back.”

Brian Potter: “I want to moonwalk son, but life’s a shithouse. Out.”

Max: “Hello, I’d like to order the divers watch, the divers watch love, the one with the light,  don’t know love, I can swim.”

Dodgy Eric: “Well what do you think?”

Brian Potter: “It’s not a bouncy castle.”

Dodgy Eric: “You never said a castle.”

Brian Potter: “I said I wanted an inflatable.”

Dodgy Eric: “It is an inflatable.”

Brian Potter: “Inflatable filth.”

Young Kenny: “Can’t we disguise it?”

Brian Potter: “Yeah we can, we’ll put a wool hat on it and say it’s you.”

Dodgy Eric: “It’s not what it looks Brian.”

Brian Potter: “Not what it looks. Not what it looks. It’s a twenty-foot cock and balls man. It don’t look like nothing else, it’s not happening.”

Max: “All we need to know Mr. Potter, did he have false teeth?”

Brian Potter: “False teeth? How the pissin’ hell am I supposed to know if he had false teeth?”

Brian Potter: “Who is this?”

Brian Potter: “I know who ya are, who are ya?”

Brian Potter: “I don’t know whether you’ve noticed but I’m disabled.”

Paddy: “Have you done us a packed lunch?”

Max: “Have I.”

Paddy: “What on earth is that?”

Max: “That my friend, is a German Broomhandle Mauser.”

Paddy: “I’m not using that.”

Max: “Why, what’s wrong with it?”

Paddy: “It’s an antique that’s what it is.”

Max: “Hey. It’s not an antique. There’s nothing wrong with that. It was my granddad’s. He shot a German with this.”
Paddy: “Was that in the Second World War?”

Max: “No, it were in Benidorm. He had a row over a sun lounger.”

Brian Potter: “I have a dream, people, I have a dream. If we build it, they will come.”

Les: “Build what?”

Brian Potter: “A new Phoenix.”

Jerry St Clair: “Here we go again.”

Brian Potter: “Bigger, better, faster, stronger, rising out of the ashes. A superclub, a King of clubs only this time we’ll have it all. A restaurant, a bistro – we’ll serve food.”

Jerry St Clair: “Food eh?”

Brian Potter: “But not just any old food Jerry. Proper food – scampi, chicken Kievs, garlic bread.”

Max: “Garlic bread?”

Brian Potter: “Garlic bread, that’s right Max. Garlic bread – it’s the future, I’ve tasted it.”

Brian Potter: “What’s the matter with you, man?”

Jerry St Clair: “What’s the matter with me? I’ll tell you what’s the matter with me. Me first week as licensee, I’m stood here looking like a gay Satan cos somebody sold all me clothes on t’jumble. I’ve been rolled round t’car park all day dressed as a hernia and I’ve got 12 people in casualty with rubber burns.”

Brian Potter: “Rubber Burns? Weren’t he a Scottish poet?”

Jerry St Clair: “and what made you apply for this job?”

Spencer: “The DSS.”

Jerry St Clair: “And why do you think I should give it to you?”

Spencer: “Because it will be the DSS paying me wages and it won’t cost you a penny.”

Jerry St Clair: “Really?”

Spencer: “Yeah.”

Jerry St Clair: “When can you start? Welcome to the Phoenix, Spencer lad.”

Crimetime Presenter: “Police probe Leeds girl’s snatch. Can you help?”

Brian Potter: “There is a horse in my cabaret suite.”

Brian Potter: “I want to speak to the organist, not the monkey grinder.”

Jerry St Clair: “He’s dead, Brian.”

Brian Potter: “Oh, my God! He can’t be dead! Who’s going to do the door? Who’s going to do the door?”

Brian Potter: “Put him in the Pennine Suite.”

Jerry St Clair: “Why?”

Brian Potter: “Why? Because in here’s murder. Next door’s natural causes.”

Dodgy Eric: “I’ll give you a week’s free trial while I get your table fixed, then she’s got to go to the European Finals in Dusseldorf.”

Brian Potter: “Dusseldorf? Oh, good. You can take “das fruit machine” back with you.”

Brian Potter: “Don’t talk to me about upper body strength, Lesley! My forearms are massive!”

Les: “An’ we all know why that is don’t we? Too much “Trumpet Polishin””

Brian Potter: “We’ve got to grab the cow by the horns and pull together.”

Brian: “Woah woah woah, Sweet child of mine!”

Max: “Walking on the moon.”

Paddy: “How far away are they?!”

Madame Zelda: “Its £1 for two questions”

Customer: “That’s a bit steep isn’t it”

Madame Zelda: “Yes it is love,and your next question?”

Jerry St.Clair: “Deaf Tony died last week.”

Brian Potter: “No.”

Jerry St.Clair: “Fifty six!”

Brian Potter: “That’s no age. What’d he die of?”

Jerry St.Clair: “Bin lorry. Nipped out to check they’d emptied his bin, reversed over him.”

Brian Potter: “How’s Irene taken it?”

Jerry St.Clair: “Badly, and they never emptied her bin.”

Brian: “Bloody hell I’ve just sat down”

Jerry St. Clair: “You can’t do that!”

Brian Potter: “I can do what we like, it’s your pub.”

Max: “Can you hear me now?”

Clinton Baptiste: “I’m getting the word…….NONCE.”

Brian: “He’s a berry Perry, he’s Jerry the Berry Perry

Paddy: “Went to a brothel in Amsterdam once, made wash me old fella in the sink”

Max: “You took your dad?”

Flower seller: “Flower for the lady”

Brian: “Fuck off”

Beverley: “I’m not the person that you think I am.”

Brian: “You’re not a bloke are yer, or used to be… like Hayley?”

Brian: “That a robot is it, son?”

Contestant: “Actually the term is automaton. The Cleaner’s multidirectional, it’s fitted with a twin-wizard blade mechanism at the back and it’s also got a trip-hammer device at the front.”

Brian: “Have you ever kissed a girl?”